Crappy New Year!!

I am an optimist. However, I should have known by the way that 2024 ended, that this new year would turn out to be a bunch of malarkey. For awhile now, I have been secretly searching for something. Anything to be a part of that’s bigger than me. It’s presenting itself in my mind like an itch on my back that’s juuuuust outside the reach of my longest finger. I just can’t seem to get it just right.  Maybe its a new job. Maybe its finally pushing forward one of these business ideas. Maybe I need to get back to making music. Perhaps it’s becoming a gym rat and vegan that’s needed. Maybe it was just listening to my wife and finally getting back to writing, or as she calls it journaling my thoughts. 

 It’s probably all of the above but either way, just like billions of other people on the planet, I figured a change was gon’ come in 2025.

“It’s been a long
A long time coming, but I know
A change gon’ come
Oh yes, it will”

I thought to myself that once the new year starts, I am going to get ready to attack it at full speed ahead.

Got my vision board. √
Did my magazine cutouts for inspiration on the vision board. √

I even started clearing my desk of all the clutter so that I could begin the year anew. Fresh starts. Clean slates. This was supposed to be the first year of the beginning of the Autumn chapter of my life’s story. And well, shit. It’s started horribly.

Let’s begin with my sanctimonious sacking at the office on the second day back after the Christmas holiday break that most people take in the workforce.

It’s funny because I was totally expecting it for a long time, even though I’m still in shock (and denial) about it actually happening. You see it wasn’t because I was underperforming at the office. It’s quite the opposite really. The bad thing about building automated systems for work is that it should ultimately replace you if you do your job well enough. And that my friends is what happened.

However, that’s not even the worst part of this new year. Because one day after getting the news that I was getting shitcanned at the office, my father-in-law Rev. Theodore Cathcart passed away unexpectedly.  So now instead of processing the thing that is disrupting the quality of lifestyle in our household, I have to put everything on pause to play supportive, loving, healing husbae. I don’t mind doing that for my wife, in fact, I expect to do those things for her.  But sometimes I fear that I might be inadequate in my help because I cant empathize with what she is experiencing.  Sure my sister passed away, and I have had many family members and friends pass away during my lifetime, but never a parent.  This situation has me second-guessing my readiness factor for if and when my parents should pass away.  In my mind I have played the scenario out on where I am strong for my family.  The way that my father was strong for us when he buried his mother, and siblings, and daughter.  He allowed us to feel sorrow and cry and act a fool, but never tried to make it all right, or say it was going to be OK. Or say things would get better. He just allowed us to be.  And he showed me it was alright to cry as a man.  A few of the fondest memories of my father was seeing him cry during his mother’s funeral and my sister’s funeral.  But I digress, I am starting ramble.  My sincerest hope is that I am enough to help my wife get through all that hurts her and which we do not have answers for right now.  I wish the entire family can grow closer because of this unexpected tragedy and make amends and put aside the foolishness that we’e all engaged in over the years.  Because in my soul, I believe that family and friends are to be cherished with the fiercest loyalty, because at the end of the day, nothing else matters as you are lying on your deathbed reflecting on life.  How did you make a difference in life, who did you love, and more importantly who loves you.

So yeah, this new year has started in the absolute worst way possible, yet I remain optimistic things are going to turn around. But Don’t Hold Me To It!